Hegumen Nektary (Morozov)
During our conversations, a desire was repeatedly expressed to talk in more detail on the topic of spiritual guidance about why a confessor is needed, how to find a confessor and everything connected with this. Often a person who has just come to the Church knows virtually nothing about what actually happens in it - during divine services, in the sacraments of the church. He doesn’t know about the relationships between people in the Church, what they should be, and about many other things. And therefore, during this period during the period of churching a person urgently needs a spiritual leader, or confessor.
And this necessity is not lost throughout his entire future church life, because the longer we live in Christ, the more difficult our life actually becomes not simpler and easier, but more difficult. First, we renounce some of the grossest, most terrible sins, then we renounce the obvious, noticeable, conspicuous sins, but then a very subtle and very labor-intensive work begins, the essence of which is to renounce everything that is between stands by us and by God; mainly from one’s own will, a corrupted will, a sinful will. And so, the path we must follow is gradually narrowing, and the Lord Himself sends us situations, people, life circumstances through which we can, as it were, squeeze through, throwing off something superfluous and preventing us from further following Christ; or we may not be able to squeeze through and remain in the place where this situation or person or circumstance has slowed us down. Therefore, here a confessor is necessary, probably not even to the same extent as at the beginning of church life, but to an even greater extent.
Who is a confessor, what should be our “selection criteria” and how to find a confessor? It often happens that in the very word “spiritual father” we see the image of a certain experienced, and preferably holy, elder, to whom we can come and get answers to absolutely all the questions that trouble us; mainly to questions about how to act in a given life situation, and to act in such a way that it ends as happily as possible for us. Which path to choose for yourself in life, which job to choose, place of study, spouse? And, of course, I want to immediately decide for myself the question: how should I live in order to be saved? But in fact, both the elders of holy life and real experienced confessors often did not answer such questions. And the purpose of a confessor is generally somewhat different.
First of all, a confessor is a priest who has a person regularly confesses. Why did I emphasize the word " regularly"? Each of us has repeatedly had to resort to the services of doctors in our lives. And we know that if the doctor has thoroughly studied the history of our illness, our characteristics, the reactions inherent specifically in our body, then it is easier for him to help us. If we go to a different doctor every time, then, firstly, we are forced to tell the whole history of our illness from scratch, for a long time and tediously, and secondly, we are not insured against the fact that this doctor, not knowing us, will make mistakes . If this is true in relation to our physical health, then it is even more so in relation to spiritual health. Of course, the priest to whom a person confesses must know him. And he can know him only if a person regularly comes to him for confession.
I often have to deal with such a wonderful situation: a parishioner of another church comes to confession and asks for advice on some fateful issue for himself. And I’m talking to this person for the first time in my life and sometimes even seeing him for the first time in my life. I ask: “Do you go to church regularly and confess?” The man answers: “Yes.” “Who?” “Well, with this priest, and sometimes with that one.” “Why then did you come to me to ask this question? Do you understand that only the priest who knows you well thanks to confession can answer your question?” And it turns out that a person does not understand this and that today for quite a lot of people this is some kind of revelation - that one should confess to the same priest and ask for advice. And often one of the parishioners is paradoxically ready to come to an unfamiliar priest about whom he has heard something, and, having laid out all his circumstances to him, without hesitation to act on his word, rather than turn to the pastor whom he sees constantly at services in his temple and to which he approached more than once to confess.
When a person constantly confesses and asks for advice from the same priest, after some time he can draw a conclusion for himself: is this the priest who can be his confessor. And here I would like to talk about what the requirements, if it is possible to call it that, should be for a believer in relation to his confessor.
First of all, the one whom we choose as our confessor must be a person of deep and sincere faith. This must be a person who cares about his salvation and values it most of all, so that nothing else more valuable can be imagined that could surpass the value of salvation and eternal life for him. In addition, this must be a person who is not indifferent towards people, who loves people and is ready to be as concerned about their salvation as about his own. If a priest possesses all the mentioned qualities, he is capable and ready to bear spiritual obedience. Of course, any pastor needs appropriate experience of church life, experience of spiritual life, and everyday experience, but all this is acquired over time; the main thing is that there should be that internal basis that I spoke about, because if this is not there, then, by and large, there can be no clergy: it will always be some kind of profanation, sometimes harmful and dangerous both for the pastor and for the flock.
How does a person find a confessor? This happens naturally in the course of ordinary daily church life, and not through any complex search activities. You just need to go to church and initially go to confession with one priest, then another, and then settle on one. On whom? On the one in whom I felt at least some kind of like-mindedness, on whose side I saw sincere affection and attention towards myself, to whom my soul was drawn and who was able to give the answers to the questions that concern us about spiritual life that turned out to be useful for us.
Many holy fathers said that in ancient times a novice, entering this or that monastery, to this or that elder, had to first test this elder for himself. This meant, in particular, that the future student listened to the elder for some time and tried to understand to what extent what he said was in accordance with the Gospel and the holy fathers. If this agreement was undeniable, he trusted him. If there were any contradictions, he could quite naturally ask his supposed confessor: why these contradictions take place, whether some judgments were understood correctly, and so on. And in fact, these questions, in case of any doubts, can clarify a lot. If the confessor gets irritated and annoyed when he is asked in this way, it means that something is wrong here. If he humbly and calmly gives an answer that agrees with Orthodox dogma, then, probably, everything is quite well. In general, I can say that when a person is tempted, embarrassed, seeing some actions or hearing some words of his confessor, there is nothing wrong with asking the question: “Why are you doing this in this situation?” Or: “On what basis do you say that?” Why is this justified? Firstly, because a person can hear an answer from his confessor that will explain all his perplexities and dispel them. And secondly, because the confessor is also a person and can make mistakes. For us, priests, sometimes such questions from those people who trust us are useful.
What else needs to be said about the relationship that should develop between a Christian and his confessor? From my point of view, in these relationships, the confessor must necessarily present such qualities as attentiveness towards the spiritual child and responsibility for him. On the part of a spiritual child, qualities such as willingness to obey and trust are required. If any of this is missing, then most likely nothing will work out, because if, say, a priest is not ready to take responsibility for us, then it is obvious that he cannot be a confessor. After all, what is the difference between good parents and bad ones? Bad parents do not feel responsible for their children and therefore treat them poorly, so that as a result, the children either disappear or end up in some not the best life circumstances. But we cannot choose our parents: the Lord sends them to us, but we can and definitely must choose our confessor.
At the same time, no matter how attentive and no matter how responsible the confessor treats each parishioner, if he finds neither trust nor any kind of obedience in the person who comes to him, then all his labors will be completely in vain. Or rather, he will build, as it were, on sand, because when you tell a person about something, and he does not trust your words, all the efforts that you make are actually crossed out and it does not bear any fruit. It is probably necessary to take into account that the virtue of obedience is generally extremely difficult for modern people to achieve. But sometimes the priest speaks in confession the most reasonable, most careful words that do not hurt the pride of the one with whom he is speaking, but the pride nevertheless turns out to be wounded. And the person leaves with nothing because he wants to do things his own way.
Along with this, in our contemporary church life one can observe another extreme: an amazing desire to rule on the part of some pastors and an equally amazing desire to completely submit to this power on the part of the flock. And today we periodically encounter the fact that in the Church some semblance of a sect is gradually forming around some confessors. And this sect is sometimes actually cut off from the Church. It happens that people know nothing about Christianity, do not read the Gospels, not to mention the Holy Fathers, and at the same time they are convinced that their confessor is the person with whom their salvation is most closely connected, and if he does not exist, then there is no way for them to be saved. I don’t want to give examples now: there are quite a lot of them, and a number of such communities have already ceased to exist; the point is not where they were formed and around whom, but what underlies it. A person really wants to shift the responsibility for his salvation, for his moral choice every day, hourly to someone else, and here this meeting takes place: on the one hand, a priest who wants to rule and take upon himself what does not belong to him, and on the other hand, a parishioner who is burdened with responsibility for his own life. This closure occurs and the basis of a new sect within Orthodoxy is born. Therefore, it is very important to remember: no one will answer for us before God. We will answer about our mistakes and our choices ourselves, and not our confessor. More precisely, he will also, of course, be responsible for us to a certain extent, but in no case instead of us.
Sometimes it happens that a person is looking for a confessor and cannot find anyone after his heart. In this case, we must ask ourselves: what is our heart looking for? If we are looking for a priest who will share all our interests, who will listen to all the details of our life, it is possible that we will not find such a priest. But we will most likely be able to find a priest for whom our salvation will be important. There are, of course, situations in which we are deprived of the opportunity to choose: there is only one church, for example, in a village, and we do not see on the part of its abbot either sufficient attention or sufficient responsibility necessary for a spiritual relationship to develop. In such cases, it remains to be accepted as a test sent to us by God. But if possible, we still need to find a priest with whom we could at least sometimes consult and who would know us. In this case, in any case, you need to be prepared for the fact that the shepherd, in response to some question, may answer: “I don’t know.” Or he can say: “Here I would recommend this, this is what you should read about from St. Theophan the Recluse, but I can’t say anything about this; let’s look for the answer to this question together.” And we must remember that if this willingness to admit that he does not know something is present in a priest, then this is a very great blessing.
Relationships with a confessor, as a rule, develop over a long period of time and, to some extent, are of a personal nature. Sometimes you hear the question: is friendship with a confessor possible and can a priest even have friends? Probably yes and no, depending on how you understand friendship. On the one hand, a priest is, in a sense, a lonely person. I'll explain why. There are areas of human activity in which no one can understand a person except someone who is in the same area of life and activity. Let's say, if a person was at war, then he may have friends, but in some ways they will not understand him, because they were not there and did not experience what he experienced. Probably, approximately the same can be said about priestly service. Only a priest can truly understand, support, and strengthen a priest, but, by and large, only the Lord will strengthen and instruct him. You know that when the sacrament of Marriage is performed, two people are united into a single whole; something similar happens at the moment when the ordination takes place: the soul of the priest is reassured by Christ, and a kind of marriage ceremony also takes place. And after this, the priest, no matter how perfect or imperfect a person he may be, in fact cannot have anyone other than God as his Comforter and main Mentor. On the other hand, friendship with a priest is still possible. But we must correctly understand what friendship is, and not everyone understands this. A priest does not have the right to demand from those people with whom he has developed good relationships, complete understanding, complete support, complete sharing of his pastoral sorrows, because for a layman this is impossible for many reasons; and a parishioner, probably, should not behave with the pastor, the bearer of the grace of the priesthood, in a familiar, familiar manner. We must also remember this when these relationships develop.
Should you expect help from your confessor in difficult life circumstances? Help not only spiritual, but also simply human, sometimes even material It seems to me that this is natural, and it would be strange if the priest were not ready to come to the aid of people who are confessing to him, who are thus connected with him and who are close to him. There is only one difficulty in this case: there are sometimes many, many dozens of people confessing to one confessor. And his human capabilities are far from endless; they may simply not be enough for something. On the other hand, we should probably remember that a priest, in turn, may find himself in some difficult life circumstances, in particular related to his ministry. Often he alone bears the burden of responsibility for the entire temple - its condition, maintenance, assistance in various needs of those people who come to this temple. Although it would be much more appropriate for this burden to be distributed among everyone who comes to this temple and for whom it actually becomes a second home.
In conclusion, I would like to say that the connection between a Christian and his confessor should, first of all, be natural and harmonious. It is impossible to establish certain artificial rules for these relationships and force them to develop according to a certain scenario. How do we make friends and people close to us in everyday life? So we met someone, got to know each other, became friends, and gradually, having already become friends, we begin to get to know the person more and more. And our friendship either grows stronger, becomes ever hotter, or stops at some level, because there is no basis for greater intimacy, for a deeper connection with the person. Everything is the same between a man and a priest. This internal, spiritual connection can be very strong, but it is something that must grow and strengthen, with the help of God, on both sides.
Questions after the conversation
? You talked about the test of a confessor - that you first need to make sure there is agreement on the most important spiritual issues. But what about disagreements not on the main, but on secondary issues - say, in political views, in the psychological understanding of some things?
Here, rather, there may be not disagreements, but differences of opinion, because disagreements are already a prerequisite for a dispute, in this case inappropriate. But there may well be differences of opinion, because we are all very different people and have different thinking and different life experiences. And in general, a person who confesses to this or that priest cannot be some kind of copy of him - a copy of behavior, feeling. What, by and large, is a confessor needed for? He must help a person learn to live in the Church, learn to live a spiritual life. But he should not become some kind of props, crutches for him for the rest of his life. A confessor teaches a person something not in order to tie him to himself, pin him with a safety pin to the edge of his cassock, but in order to teach him to live independently in God. At the same time, if we turn to a priest as our confessor, if we trust him, then before starting to “difference” or even argue with him on some issue, it is completely logical to try to understand his attitude - to understand and to some extent accept . And as long as these relationships exist, it is completely natural to find compromises in those issues in which our Christian conscience allows us to do so.
? If you confess to a priest, but somehow you are not satisfied with everything in your relationship, and go to another, is this considered a sin?
I think the analogy with a doctor is again appropriate here. You come to the doctor and are treated by him for some time. What objective reasons could there be for deciding to leave him? He is inattentive to you, he prescribes treatment that makes you worse, he makes gross medical errors. Then, of course, it makes sense to go to another doctor; the same can be said about leaving for another priest. But here you really have to be very honest with yourself. If we see that the priest is fighting and suffering with us, and at the same time what he says about our spiritual state is, by and large, correct, then going to confess to someone else is not an option, because in this case we do not run from the priest, but from himself and from his own conscience. We must carefully and sensibly evaluate everything. If we don’t have trust, because there is no spiritual benefit, there is no attention to us, there is no responsibility for us, then we can probably leave. If we don’t have trust because the matter, in general, is not in the priest, but in us, then there is no need. As such, there is no sin in the fact that we began to confess to another pastor, but if we are already connected with one or another priest by some bonds of permanent spiritual relationships, then there is no need to break this connection, because, as one wonderfully said about this spiritual writer, you can leave your spiritual father and find a new good confessor, but he will never become our father, but will be an uncle, stepfather or someone else. In general, no one here can tell a person as accurately as his own heart and his own conscience.
? By the way, what is the difference between a spiritual father and a confessor?
Any definitions here will still be a little inaccurate, because the word is not a completely perfect tool for expressing spiritual objects. But if we draw some conventional boundary between a confessor and a spiritual father, then it will probably be as follows. Confessor- this is simply the priest to whom a person constantly comes for confession. A spiritual father– this is something more. This is the one who becomes a father for a person in the literal sense: he bears all his infirmities, carries this person himself on his shoulders in those moments when it is necessary - in a word, he does in relation to him everything that his own father does in relation to to your child.
? Is there some kind of rite of initiation into spiritual children?
I don’t know such a rank, and, thank God, no one has invented it yet, because these relationships can only develop and grow in some natural way. The very fact that this is truly a spiritual father and truly a spiritual child should not be approved by someone, but is self-evident from the attitude of these people towards each other. Otherwise, I think these words will simply be empty, not filled with specific meaning. And sometimes it’s better, even when this spiritual connection really exists, still not to call it anything: let it just be, because sometimes it happens in such cases that as soon as we begin to utter some big words, what has already taken shape , suddenly begins to fall apart.
? I was told that the word of the spiritual father must be fulfilled unquestioningly, and one must be afraid to break it, and the spiritual father only gives advice, which we can accept or not accept. Is this also the difference?
Firstly, this word - “fear” - is not clear to me here. Because there shouldn’t be any fear, because a relationship with a father is not a relationship of fear and something associated with fear. This is a loving relationship. A bad father is one who builds his relationship with his child on fear. And a real spiritual father, if you try to somehow characterize him, is not the one whom a person should be afraid to disobey, but the one who can always explain to a person why he needs to do this and not another, that is, he can either say that a spiritual son or spiritual daughter will understand this and it will reach the heart, or pray in such a way that the Lord will enlighten his spiritual child through his prayer. And to think that a spiritual father is something like a red-hot object that is scary to touch, of course, is completely unreasonable and wrong.
? How does a confessor turn into a spiritual father?
You see, so to speak, there was a certain priest. Someone had been confessing to him for a long time. He was this man's confessor. How does he become his spiritual father? This probably happens at the moment when the priest himself grows into this fatherly measure, and the person confessing to him grows into that measure of trust and obedience that allows him to be a son or daughter. It seems to me that this is possible precisely in the case of such a synchronous, parallel growth of both the priest and the person coming to him. And again, I will say that, from my point of view, it is completely unnatural when a person comes to Church, ends up with some priest, and he tells him: “Now I am your spiritual father. You are in my obedience: do what I tell you, otherwise you will not be saved.” You can turn around and leave immediately. The only thing that can and should be done in relation to such a priest is to pray for his soul, because he is very sorry. You know that we have one absolutely true and absolutely true example - the example of the Savior. Does Christ require obedience from us? Yes, it does. But what did Christ do? He was crucified for us. This is not to mention the fact that He is our Lord and God... And when a priest, at least to some extent, is obviously crucified for a person, then he can demand something from him. If he does not do this, then there is no basis not only for declaring his spiritual paternity, but also for speaking remotely similar words.
? Father, is it really possible for everyone to find a spiritual father? After all, there are so many people!
Here is our temple... It cannot be said that it is of some gigantic size - rather, on the contrary, right? But for some reason it accommodates everyone who comes here. This is the answer to your question. If there really are so many people who are looking for a spiritual relationship, then there will be many more priests, because one of these people will inevitably want to become a priest. Well, there will be more temples. So this question, I think, disappears.
? As I understand it, a confessor must, if not exactly accurately, then with some degree of clarity still understand what is happening in the soul of a particular person, how he is internally structured and according to what laws certain changes occur in him. What to do if confession is accepted as expected, but this understanding is missing?
If this is missing, I can say that this is not a confessor. With one caveat, very important and very significant. It happens that a person rushes around with himself, like with a well-known written bag. Repeatedly I have had to deal with the fact that someone comes and talks about such things that are completely understandable, natural, and you can put dozens more people in a row with him who have the same sins and the same problems, but the person is He considers what is happening to him to be so exceptional that any words spoken to him cause him to react with rejection: “No, I have a completely special case!” And when a person says this, it is clear that the problem is not with the confessor who “does not understand his structure” - the problem is with him.
? How can I understand whether there is something truly, perhaps extraordinary, about me or whether I treat myself like a piece of cake?
The fact is that a person is unique in himself - everyone, everyone, and not just me or you. You need to ask yourself a question: what will change because I personally find something, as you say, extraordinary in myself? Will I become better, will I become cleaner, will I become closer to God? Not likely. It is imperative to know your abilities and capabilities - in order to understand how to manage them, how to increase them in this life. But this is not a reason to demand increased attention from the priest and, in general, from all the people around him. For a Christian, the question of self-realization should not be at the forefront. For a Christian, a completely different question stands above all: “The Lord created me this way, the Lord had some kind of plan for me, and during my life I must fulfill this plan.” That’s the point – to fulfill what the Lord has planned for us! And when engaging in “self-realization”, a person goes completely in the wrong direction.
? In what cases is it worth consulting with your confessor about everyday circumstances?
I think that when we intend to commit some serious, vitally important actions for us, it is natural to ask for blessings from our confessor, because even an everyday question can have its own spiritual background. Let's say buying a car is not a spiritual issue, right? On the other hand, why does a person buy it: because he needs it or because it seems shameful to him to drive a less prestigious previous model? There are a lot of nuances here that, perhaps, will not be indifferent to the priest, as to the shepherd. At the same time, one should not turn a confessor into an adviser on everyday issues. There is no need to ask him what color to paint the walls in the house, for example. In regard to everyday affairs, we should consult him only when we feel that there is moral implications and moral risk in a particular issue. For a priest, this communication in the form of everyday questions is important in order to understand how a person thinks in practical life situations, because everything we do - prayer, reading, visiting church - must somehow manifest itself in our lives. It is in such communication that the priest can understand whether the Gospel and its study are bearing fruit in this person’s life, whether frequent Communion is bearing fruit in this person’s life, or whether his life is in no way connected with what he does in the Church. Knowing all this, it is much easier to help a person.
I must say that I learned the word “confessor” at a more than respectable age, I was over thirty, and my bright ribbon winding life, in some way unknown to me, suddenly turned into a noose around my neck, and, driven by the instinct of self-preservation and a clear awareness knowing that my one-month-old baby couldn’t get along without me, I rushed to the professionals for help.
Various doctors and healers, acupuncture and manual therapy, psychologists and even a psychiatrist who admired my mental health, a hypnotist who for some reason hypnotized exclusively my knees.
Everything was gone.
The specialists shrugged their shoulders, but I became less and less. Literally.
An experienced doctor warned my husband that things were bad: I had lost 15 kg of live weight and, apparently, was soon preparing to lose the remaining kilograms.
The nights are no longer nights, the days are no longer days. A cloud of burgundy fear clouded my eyes.
And then one evening I went to the church near the house. It was a small wooden chapel.
I crawled there, of course, simply out of despair, not driven by any ideas, any thoughts about God.
So a sick animal instinctively goes to where there are plants that can help.
And absolutely in the classics of the genre in the temple, to put it mildly, they did not understand me and did not accept me.
I won’t go into detail because almost everyone has a story like this.
Apparently, the opportunity to enter the church is not presented on a silver platter to those who for many years consciously did not want to do so.
But something made me try number two.
As a result, I found myself on the territory of the most ancient Moscow monastery.
And the first priest to whom I turned, Hieromonk Nikodim, looking at me carefully, joyfully exclaimed: “What a good temptation! Familiar!” - Father noticeably frowned.
These words, which were probably completely incomprehensible to an outsider, suddenly illuminated with an even light the darkness that had been eating me up all these months.
And for the first time I realized that all this pain was not me. I am different. Therefore we must fight.
Before that, all the specialists considered everything that happened to me as an integral part of me.
And this made the situation hopeless: you can’t run away from yourself!
And only a monk experienced in spiritual warfare immediately outlined the right strategy: beat the darkness without pity, save yourself!
I think Father Nikodim saved my life.
I started going to services. She confessed both to Father Nikodim and to the monastery confessor, a very experienced priest, Father Nikolai.
I approached Father Nikolai for the first time because I was looking for an answer on how to live in a family correctly. I decided not to ask the monk, naively believing then that family problems were not a topic that monastics should touch upon.
Since childhood, I have been accustomed to understanding the world through books.
And then I immediately bought various literature and began to study.
It was then that I learned that it is very good when a believer has a spiritual father.
Read - accepted to management! I started looking for my father.
I started, like many beginners, right away with the elder.
Why waste time on trifles! Let the elder lead, it certainly won’t be bad.
But somehow everything didn’t work out with the old man. Then I appointed Father Nikolai as my confessor and calmed down somewhat.
She began to confess to him and receive communion in the monastery. Father Nikolai even married my husband and me.
In Barvikha, in a beautiful wooden church. The wedding was very unusual. But I won’t talk about it here.
Only one thing is worth mentioning: my husband got married because he felt sorry for me and was very worried when he saw how bad I was. At that time he himself did not go to church and did not see the need for it.
I only took my youngest son, then just a baby, to the temple.
And not to the monastery, but to that small chapel near the house from which I was once driven away.
The kid often took communion and loved the services very much. Surprisingly, he constantly and very sadly asked me: “Why doesn’t dad ever go to church with us?”
And then one day after the service, the baby and I were already leaving the church, when suddenly the priest called out to me: “Are you Eremey’s mother? Come to me.”
I approached. Father, Priest Alexander, asked something, I answered, and then he suddenly said sternly:
"You must go to confession with me for a while. Your situation is very difficult."
I was terribly indignant and began to passionately explain that I go to another church, that I could confess there too, that I don’t have to, I don’t want to, I won’t...
With the same feeling, I walked home from church, saying to myself something like: “Why on earth, I won’t, and what else have I come up with!”
The following Saturday I stood in line for confession with Father Alexander.
And through Saturday. And all Saturdays in a row. And suddenly, two months later, I felt that everything had changed in me, around me.
I slowly came to my senses, the world began to have colors, and my husband began to hold the Nativity Fast with me. Myself. I have never persuaded any of my relatives to fast or go to services.
And this is the last day of fasting. I'm going to church, my husband is with me.
A crowd of people, the priests are not visible. The husband, looking around in horror, clings to the candle shop.
And suddenly through the crowd! To us! Father!
He grabs his husband's hand and leads him along. I hear my husband mutter in embarrassment:
- Why are you leading me by the hand? Are you afraid that I'll run away?
“I’m afraid,” Father Alexander answers without a hint of a smile.
I watched across the sea of heads as Father Alexander confessed my Alexander. I can’t tell you what I felt.
Happiness is when a child is born. But there is a thousand times greater happiness when a Christian soul is born. I have never loved my husband as much as at that moment, I have never been so happy.
And then the priest baptized my dad, who was 82 years old at that time, gave communion to my 84-year-old grandmother, who had previously been in the church only as an infant, became the spiritual father of my sister, married his eldest son to his chosen one, baptized our Dobrynya Nikitich.
When my dad ended up in intensive care in critical condition, I immediately dialed Alexander’s father’s phone. The priest had pneumonia and was treated at home.
I remember his quick words:
- I’ll leave immediately, I’ll do everything, I know how. I'll go to the intensive care unit.
But after five minutes I already knew that I had only one father left on earth, a spiritual one.
Why do you need a spiritual father?
I won’t be able to answer as needed, convincingly, competently.
I went to confession again yesterday.
This post is having a hard time with me.
And in a vague mood, I speak in confession about my usual sins, about the fact that again I can’t and don’t know how to do anything, the priest listens to me silently, covers my head with an epitrachelion, reads a prayer.
I go out onto the wooden porch, and the sky catches my eye, but inside there is only joy and silence.
Is there an explanation for all this? Rational - no.
And this world does not accept other explanations.
And the spiritual father is not only in this world. He is forever.
Every day I read a prayer for my spiritual father, which contains the following lines:
“Lord, You have united us on earth and do not separate us in Your Heavenly Kingdom...”
And I believe with all my soul that it will be so.
18-08-2014, 04:48
Alas, today modern people who consider themselves Christians have become so wild, have retreated from God and spirituality, that they do not at all know or understand the meaning of the personality of their spiritual father. They have no idea about him or his business. Proud, arrogant and self-important, they are confident that they can do everything themselves: to please God and to be saved. Woe to their ignorance! Woe to their pride! In fact, the Lord God Himself has always given and continues to grant spiritual fathers. He Himself chooses a person whom He carefully prepares to be spiritual fathers for His providentially designated sheep. The Lord God Himself unites the ready-made spiritual father with those persons whom he gives birth to in the Lord for himself. That is why for a faithful member of the Church of Christ, the spiritual father is the closest, most beloved and most dear and significant person in this life. For them he is god after God, God’s substitute and conductor of His will. Since for a person there is nothing more important than his salvation, then there is nothing more valuable than a spiritual father, who, above all else, helps his children in the matter of their salvation and pleasing God.
The term “spiritual” means the sphere in which the spiritual father resides and in which he communicates with his spiritual children. The concept "father" means birth. Just as a carnal father gives birth to carnal children for this life, so a spiritual father gives birth to spiritual children for spiritual and eternal life in God and with God. A spiritual father “gives birth” to a child from some ready-made “material”, i.e. from a carnal man, whom God directed precisely to this spiritual father. A candidate for child has the right to test the shepherd whom he wants to have as a spiritual father only before surrendering himself to his will in the Lord. After surrendering himself to the will of his spiritual father, the spiritual child has no right to judge his spiritual father, his actions, words, instructions and commands. Such an act is a terrible sin before God. This sin consists not only of not honoring the spiritual father, not only of disobeying him, but also of destroying the spiritual and moral connection with him (and through him with God), and thereby, as it were, “killing” him for oneself. That is why, according to the teaching of the holy fathers of the Church, one should honor the spiritual father as God, revere him and never judge him or try to understand him. Obedience to the spiritual father is a type of obedience to Him established by God. God knows that it is extremely difficult for people to obey a God invisible to them. That is why He wisely arranged for us to replace this obedience to Him invisible with obedience to the visible spiritual Father.
Being a true spiritual father is the greatest responsibility and a great feat! The main quality of a spiritual father is that he abides with God and in God! That is why he not only teaches his children the basics of spiritual life, prayer, repentance, the fight against passions and demons, but introduces them to God, incomprehensibly unites them with Him. He unites them with the Lord God even when they themselves could not achieve this union or were unworthy of it. Since the Lord God Himself controls each of his children through a spiritual father, he cannot make any mistakes in relation to his spiritual children. For himself, as a man, a father can make mistakes, be weak and be subject to temptations, but not in relation to his children. With the right relationship, God protects both the spiritual father and his children obedient to him from all evil, harm and mistakes. Obedience to the spiritual father is not only obedience to God, but at the same time love for Him and one’s spiritual father. That is why, after condemning the spiritual father and resisting him, the most terrible sin is disobedience to him. The imposition of specific obedience cannot be incorrect, excessive, unbearable, etc. That is why it must be done wholeheartedly and unquestioningly.
How to find a confessor who will become a real spiritual mentor for us?
First of all, you need to earnestly pray to the Lord, so that the Lord will send just such a priest and leader who will become a spiritual mentor and lead you along the path to salvation. And deciding on a confessor is already an experience in your spiritual life, which is expressed in the sincerity of repentance.
What questions do those led by him turn to the confessor?
Usually these are difficult everyday situations: how to behave in quarrels, litigation, conflicts, whether to sue, how to treat illnesses, whether or not to have surgery, whether to change jobs and place of residence. They ask the confessor for a blessing for some business, travel, purchase. They also bring their misfortunes, fires, divorces, deaths, car accidents, thefts to the confessor, and not only their own, but also their children and relatives. Of course, we can’t do without this, but we must understand that a priest usually cannot give qualified advice of a medical, legal, or economic nature; his job is to bless us to go to a doctor, lawyer or someone else, and most importantly, to pray for us. Maybe give advice from your life experience. Often difficult, dead-end situations with which people come to a confessor cannot be resolved with advice, material assistance and other human means. Only through prayer and God’s mercy can circumstances change and a way out of the impasse appear. Therefore, people cry to the confessor: “Help!”, and he answers them: “Let’s pray.”
Many people believe that spiritual relationships begin like this. The seeker approaches a clergyman, about whom he has heard praise from his friends, and says to him (sometimes with a bow to the ground): “Holy Father, be my confessor!” He, looking with fatherly love at a complete stranger, answers: “I accept you into my spiritual children.” Despite all the external attractiveness of such a beginning, in real life this is not how proper spiritual relationships begin. Why? Because spiritual relationships are a serious and responsible matter, binding both parties with obligations. They are as important as marriage or adoption. You cannot tie yourself to such ties hastily and with just anyone. A spiritual union must be preceded by a probationary period. The preparatory step for this is regular Confession with one priest and attendance at his services. Over time, we will feel responsible to this priest for our sins, for now only for the serious ones. The thought of how ashamed we will be to confess to him, and how he will worry about us, keeps us from committing big sins. But in all other respects we feel quite free. This is not yet spiritual guidance, but Confession from one priest. Some people don’t want more and stop there. If we want more, we must begin to consult with a priest in difficult cases. His advice and requests must be fulfilled as if he were already our confessor. Offer him help in church affairs and in everyday life. If these relationships develop, and we see their benefits for ourselves, then it is appropriate to ask the priest if he can become our confessor? If they do not work out, or we see that they do not bring us spiritual benefit, which happens much more often, then it is better to quietly move away and look for another. When a spiritual union has already been concluded, its rupture can be as painful as the deprivation of parental rights or the departure of children from the parental home.
It turns out that you also need to learn the right relationship with your confessor. Having no experience of correct relationships, a person tries to build them according to the patterns known to him. Usually, the attitude of a student to a teacher in an educational institution is initially taken as a model, and this is not bad. But, having spent a little time in this capacity, the child tries little by little to change them to friendly or family. The first case usually occurs when feeding a male. The spiritual child begins to behave “on an equal footing,” allowing himself familiarity, arguments, and insolence. The second thing happens when feeding the female sex - it comes to jealousy, surveillance, scandals and hysterics. The confessor has to put in a lot of work, time and strict measures to put these relationships in order. It often turns out that the child is not able to change his behavior. Then the confessor has no choice but to part with him, just as a teacher kicks a young hooligan out of class in order to have the opportunity to teach a lesson with other students. We often forget that we came to our confessor so that he could teach and show us how to be saved. We begin to look for personal, emotional relationships, jokes, affection, signs of attention, and in them we believe the meaning and main goal of communication with our confessor. Of course, in communication with a confessor there is, in addition to the spiritual, a spiritual component, but it is necessary to remember about the proper measure and the correct placement of emphasis. The spiritual in these relationships should come first, and the spiritual and personal should come second. For foolish children, all their work, constant worry and main concern is to acquire and maintain a personal, spiritual relationship with their confessor. At the same time, the denunciation of unseemly actions and character traits, the appointment of healing penances and obediences are perceived as a threat to these relationships, and cause grief, anxiety and even panic on the part of the spiritual child. Although we need to worry precisely in the opposite case - in the absence of convictions and penances, since this is precisely the indispensable duty of the confessor and the condition of our salvation.
Where does a spiritual relationship with a mentor begin?
They begin with the first confessions. A believer who has a desire to be a true Christian, living according to the Gospel commandments, going to confession, analyze himself, what is he doing wrong? What is contrary to the commandments of God? Why are the virtues of God not fulfilled? By confessing, he receives instructions from his spiritual father on how to improve, how to acquire virtues. In such cases, a spiritual relationship with a mentor begins.
How complete should obedience to a confessor be?
The confessor is the leader of spiritual life, and in this regard, if the confessor leads you correctly, guided by the Gospel commandments, along the path to salvation, then in matters of spiritual life, obedience must be complete. As for our daily life, there must be prudence and it is not necessary to burden the confessor with basic everyday questions, for example, which trolleybus to take or what time to work until. A person must have prudence and act independently.
Is it possible to confess to another priest if I cannot confess to my confessor?
This is already deceit. If a person has chosen a spiritual mentor who will correctly guide the path to salvation of a given believer, this confessor must know all the nuances of his spiritual life. Therefore, confessing one issue to one priest, avoiding your confessor, is deceit, and there will be no sense in such spiritual guidance. And if your child or confessor is away, you can confess to any priest.
Independent decision. It is one thing when a confessor himself decides to interrupt the care of his child, another thing when a person plans to change his confessor of his own free will. Moreover, if his former mentor provided him with effective assistance. Listen to what St. John Climacus says about this: “Those sick people who, having experienced the art of a doctor and received benefit from him, out of preference for another leave him before complete healing,” are worthy of any punishment before God. Why are such people worthy of punishment? Because they rejected the Divine gift - their confessor! Yes, we very often do not appreciate what we have. Such frivolity is common to all people. Probably, this is a legacy inherited from our forefathers, who at one time did not appreciate the true value of heavenly bliss. We almost always dream that somewhere and something is better than our own. In particular, children often indulge in dreams of a more perfect confessor. The reason for such daydreaming is one’s own frivolity and the whisperings of evil spirits. Know: demons hate clergy and try in every way to lead the child away from the confessor, who, as a rule, is the best leader for a person at the moment. A child who received spiritual benefit from his confessor, but left him, ultimately finds himself in a deplorable situation. He is mercilessly ridiculed by unclean spirits. If your mentor is imperfect in some way, this is not a reason to leave him. The Lord will make up for the lack of experience, talent and prudence of your confessor if he sees in you a sincere desire to save your soul. “Truly,” writes Abba Dorotheos, “if someone directs his heart according to the will of God, then God will enlighten the little child to tell him His will. If someone does not want to sincerely do the will of God, then even if he goes to the prophet, he will not receive any benefit. You must have special feelings for your mentor, “who led you to the Lord... throughout your entire life, you should have such respectful reverence for no one as for him.” For many Orthodox Christians, confessors are the fathers who spiritually gave birth to them in Christ). There is a very close spiritual connection between the confessor and the child. A person cannot find a stronger and more sublime connection like this if he leaves his first spiritual father without a good reason. You must be prepared for the fact that a moment will come when your confessor, for various reasons, will no longer be able to “babysit” you. And this should not serve as a reason for you to be dissatisfied with your mentor, much less think about leaving him. On the contrary, then you must show spiritual maturity. The Monk Nikon of Optina said: “The spiritual father, like a pillar, only shows the way, but you have to go yourself. If the spiritual father points, and his disciple himself does not move, then he will not get anywhere, but will rot at this pillar.” Don’t be capricious and don’t be offended by your spiritual father when he demands something from you as a spiritually mature person. If you suddenly have a desire to leave him and find yourself a spiritual nanny, immediately drive this desire away from yourself.
Does your confessor rarely see you? Be glad that he takes out particles from the prosphora at the Divine Liturgy for your health and salvation. We are not always given the opportunity to see our confessor as often as we would like. But prayer makes up for this damage. "If you ask anything in My name, I will do it" , says the Lord. “The fervent prayer of a righteous man can do much,” strengthened by the good life of a spiritual child. Through the mutual prayers of the shepherd and the flock, God works miracles. Keep in mind: the priest also needs the prayers of his children in Christ. And if we pray with zeal for our earthly parents, will we really forget our spiritual ones? Please open your Orthodox prayer book. You will find in the section of funeral prayers a special request for a spiritual father. Here it is: “Save, Lord, and have mercy on my spiritual father (name of the rivers), and with his holy prayers forgive my sins.” A true spiritual father will not be separated from us even after death. And may God grant us to work so hard to save our souls and to listen so diligently to and follow his instructions, so that at the Last Judgment of Christ, standing next to us, he could boldly say with joy: “Here I am and the children whom God gave me.”
I would like to wish you to earnestly pray to the Lord, so that the Lord will send a true righteous confessor, a spiritual leader who will support and cleanse the dirt from a person’s soul, give him bitter drink, like a doctor gives medicine to heal a sick person, so that a person begins to experience the joy of his spiritual life. Let the ladder of spiritual virtues set forth by the Lord Himself in the Gospel serve us as a guide for choosing such a confessor, and the very first commandment - “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for to them is the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 5:3).
Rector of the Church of St. Michael the Archangel in the village of Zirgan
Archpriest Roman Utochkin
“A confessor must be ready to go to hell for his children”
Have pastors and flocks changed over twenty-five years of church freedom, is it possible to find a real confessor today, and what should a person do who is looking for spiritual guidance, but does not find an experienced priest? The answers to these and other questions about clergy are in an interview with Archpriest Valerian Krechetov, who served as the confessor of the Moscow diocese for a long time.
Formula of clergy
What is clergy in general and what level of responsibility does the one who takes on the responsibilities of a spiritual father have? Archpriest Valerian Krechetov says:
“Of course, spiritual guidance is important and necessary, but the requirements for a spiritual father are very high. One day I left the church, and some woman suddenly ran after me: “Father, what should I do? My confessor told me: “I don’t want to go to hell because of you!” I answered something, and soon I went to Mount Athos and ended up with an old man. A confessor came to him, who had been cared for by Elder Paisius for 20 years. And that elder told me the formula of a real spiritual father: “Only a priest who is ready to go to hell for his spiritual children can be a spiritual father.” The most amazing thing is that I didn’t tell him about the question that woman asked me, but he repeated her words word for word, only in the opposite direction.”
The Militant Church and the Secret Church
— Twenty-five years of church freedom is already a whole era. If we compare the 1990s and our days, how has church life changed over the years? How have the parishioners changed?
— When they talk about Soviet times, I always remember the book of St. Nicholas of Serbia “The Tsar’s Testament.” Talking about what is happening on the Kosovo field in Serbia, he explains very well in a spiritual sense what is happening in the world. When King Lazarus prayed on the Kosovo field before the battle, he had to choose one of two kingdoms: earthly or heavenly. He chose the Kingdom of Heaven, and according to prophecy, both the army and the power, and he himself suffered death.
But during the battle, an angel appeared before the king and said that his power must perish in order for the soul of the people to be saved: “The power is given to the people, so that there will be something to perish in his place, so that there will be something to give as ransom for the people’s soul. Such a deal is profitable when you buy a treasure for an inexpensive price [and you save the soul of the people and gain the Kingdom of Heaven!]. Worship the One who destroys what is cheap so that what is precious may be preserved; He who cuts the straw, let the grain be preserved.”
There is a war of evil against good in the world, and our Church is militant, but it is not she who starts the war, but people who fight against her. And if everything around is dying here on earth, this does not mean that everything is bad. Every cloud has a silver lining.
I once heard an interesting parable. One person comes to the elder and says: “Father, everything is going well for you, but nothing is going well for me, why?” The elder tells him: “Patience is needed.” - “What is patience? You endure and endure, what is the use of this? It’s like carrying water in a sieve!” And the elder replies: “Wait until winter.”
This is exactly what was predicted in this parable and has now happened. After all, it would seem that everything had already been decided, the Church was finished, everyone was imprisoned and shot, but a host of holy martyrs appeared, and people became hardened in war. And while the Church was under persecution, it held firm.
Outwardly there was persecution, outwardly there was nothing left, everything was over, but the believing people remained. The Monk Seraphim spoke about this beautifully; he cited as an example the times of the prophet Elijah, when “all the sons of Israel forsook Your covenant, destroyed Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword, I was left alone, but they are also looking for my soul to take it away.” It was Ilya, the prophet, who, with his eagle’s eye on life, did not see anyone around who was faithful except himself. And the Lord told him that “there are still seven thousand men among the Israelites who did not bow their knees to Baal and whose lips did not kiss the idol.” Seven thousand! That is, there were so many faithful whom the prophet Elijah did not see.
And the Monk Seraphim says: “How much will we have?” During the times of persecution, many believers occupied government positions, but almost no one knew that they were Orthodox. This was the same, as they now call it, secret Church, which was never separated from the official Church, but hidden from the world in order to preserve the faith.
And now it turned out, as in the parable of the sieve - everything was spilled in the sieve, and now winter has come, that you won’t be able to carry this water.
And I personally experience this myself, because now a priest, if he really works, does not have enough strength or time - the need for it is so great. And this is precisely the most difficult moment, because many have rushed into the priesthood, and this service is the highest, most complex and most responsible.
Even if a young person studies in special educational institutions, science is only the tip of the iceberg. Spiritual life is so complex and diverse that there are only a few specialists in this area.
As the elders say, the gift of the priesthood, clergy, is special. “The gift of reasoning is higher than the gift of humility,” that is, reasoning about how to act—where and when to remain silent, when to act—is very difficult to learn. As the Bible says: “A wise man remains silent for a time; but a madman speaks without time.”
— So now, when there is no open persecution of the Church, the focus of the problem has shifted from the external world to the internal life of the Church itself? And here the role of the priest is great, is his spiritual experience important?
- Yes, now there is an opportunity to say a lot, but it’s not so easy, and what to talk about? One man told me an interesting incident from his life. He was a philologist, studied at Moscow State University, and they had an Armenian teacher who said to the students: “Young people, you are studying different languages, but would you say what you will talk about in these languages?”
And really - what is it about? And I always quote Mayakovsky’s words:
They harass a single word for the sake of
Thousands of tons of verbal ore.
It happens that you read political articles, but if you take a closer look, it’s good if there is a single word of substance. Moreover, it is not easy to talk about spiritual topics.
The spiritual word has no power if it is divorced from heart activity, from spiritual experience. Another religious philosopher Ivan Kireyevsky said:
“Thinking, separated from the heart’s aspiration, is the same entertainment for the soul as unconscious gaiety. The deeper such thinking is, the more important it is, apparently, the more frivolous it actually makes a person. Therefore, serious and powerful study of science also belongs to the number of means of entertainment, a means of dispersing oneself, of getting rid of oneself. This imaginary seriousness, imaginary efficiency accelerates the true one. Secular pleasures do not work so successfully and not so quickly.”
Involvement in discussions on spiritual topics, divorced from heart activity, from spiritual experience - entertainment is more harmful than secular. It’s just an appearance of the spiritual, but there is no essence.
Rights without responsibilities
- In the Psalter there are such words: “We mocked at Your justifications.” But with us, to mock is to mock, to blaspheme, but in fact, the first meaning of this word is to reflect. But reflections are then justified when they are connected with spiritual experience, with heart activity, and if they are separated from it, this is mockery. Now, for example, many have begun to speak and write on spiritual issues, but have no experience. It turned out that some people mock the true word.
According to the logic of the world, people become smarter, smarter and smarter, but, unfortunately, this is not the case. Because intelligence is not the amount of knowledge. Aristotle said: “A lot of knowledge does not presuppose the presence of intelligence,” and passion for knowledge and neglect of morality is a movement not forward, but backward.
One day, an atheist came to me who believed in the origin of man from apes. He wanted to baptize his daughter, but complained that he could not cope with her. And I told him that, according to his beliefs, he would never cope with her, because why should his daughter listen to him if he recently fell from the tree?
In fact, man came out of the hands of the Creator perfect, but without experience. Of course, in order to become like the Creator, he also had to improve, “become perfect, even as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” And Saint Nicholas of Serbia said that the first people did not know much, but they understood everything. Gradually they began to know more, but understand less. It turns out that you can know a lot, but understand nothing. As one servant of God noted, looking at modern man:
The soul burned out, went out,
got old, got into a robe,
but, as before, it is not clear to her
what to do and who is to blame.
What to do, who is to blame—people usually ask these age-old questions. Due to the state in which the world has now plunged, many have rushed to the Church. And, unfortunately, few understand that everything that happens is the fruit of sin, and they try, without taking into account what is most important, to figure out what to do and who is to blame. Therefore, the questions that people ask in confession are no longer about how to save their soul, but how to create a happy life for themselves on earth.
— What problems worry people most now?
“Unfortunately, more often than not people only care about their own personality, the “ego.” There has become a lot of egoism. People used to be more humble.
Now everyone wants to live in their own way - without responsibilities, but with their own rights. For example, the so-called civil marriage - open fornication without responsibilities - has spread everywhere. But when a person is going to start a family, he must at least halve his desires and prepare to at least double his responsibilities. But with us they don’t want to give up their desires, but there are no responsibilities at all.
When getting married, you need to ask: “What do you want: to have a wife, to have children, to have a household, or: to be a husband, to be a father, to be a master?” To be or to have? Being presupposes life. To be someone is to have responsibilities. If this is a husband, he has his own responsibilities, if a father, he has his own responsibilities, if a director, he has his own responsibilities. And we have? I ruined my family, and who is to blame? Usually both are to blame, and the one who is smarter is more to blame.
Strictly speaking, what is a people? The people are many families. The family is a small Church, the family is the basis of the state. And therefore, the collapse of the state occurs due to the collapse of the family.
How to find a confessor and is it necessary to look for one?
— How to find a confessor? What should you do if you can’t find spiritual guidance?
“You definitely need to go to Church and receive communion, and then pray that the Lord will send a confessor.” And if he sends it, so that the Lord will give him understanding. Because there is a saying that the holy fathers did not always have good novices. There are examples when novices were so humble and devoted that they themselves were saved, and the Lord saved their spiritual mentors, who were unworthy.
And vice versa, next to the saints, not all were saints. Among the 12 apostles, one was Judas. Much depends on the person himself.
Spiritual guidance is important and necessary, but the requirements for a spiritual father are very high. His ministry is based, first of all, on sacrificial love, which is the love of God. And therefore, if the Lord gives this holy feeling, then everything falls into place.
There is a book about the priesthood of Bishop Arseny (Zhadanovsky), where he recalls that when the Lord restored the Apostle Peter to apostolic dignity, He did not demand anything from him, only love: if you love Me, feed my sheep. That is, if there is love, there is a shepherd and a confessor. And if there is no love, then there is no true shepherding.
—What should a person do who is looking for spiritual guidance but cannot find an experienced priest? Should you humble yourself when communicating with an inexperienced confessor and do it your own way?
— The most important thing is to remember that everything is controlled by God’s providence. The Lord can give understanding. And we need to pray to both the flock and the shepherds. Sometimes people ask me something, but I can’t answer. I'm not ashamed to say: I don't know. There is a saying: God is never in a hurry, but he is never late. In life, everything happens in due time. Rely on God, and He will work everything out for spiritual benefit.
Remember the example given to us in the Gospel? The beaten and bound Savior stands before Pilate. And Pilate says: “Are you not answering me? Don’t you know that I have the power to crucify You and the power to release You?” The Lord calmly answers: “Do not place any power over me unless it is given from above.” And so it happened: he wanted to let Jesus go, but he signed the crucifix, did not show his power, he could not.
So everything is controlled by God's providence. But people often forget about this, especially in relationships with their confessor, becoming fixated on his personality. The personality itself is quite helpless. A person cannot even sin without God - for example, if He had not given us legs, we would not have gone to sin, we simply would not have gotten there. Therefore, a person simply cannot have originality as such. God alone is original. And according to His will, everything happens - He is the One “Who mows down the straw so that the grain may be preserved.”
After all, we did not organize any demonstrations at the time, and the Church suddenly found itself free. All that's left of communism is a sign. And what is communism? An attempt to build the Kingdom of God on earth, a paradise without God.
There was such a father, Misail, the cell attendant of Metropolitan Nestor of Kamchatka, he was in prison during Soviet times, and they told him: “Here we are building a paradise on earth.” He replies: “It’s a useless exercise.” - “Are you against the authorities?” - “No, all power comes from God. But building heaven on earth is a futile exercise.” - "How why?" - “It’s very simple. The first Christians already built such a society, everything was common, but nothing worked out.”
Indeed, the first Christians are the society from which the idea of communism was copied. But even with that spirit, they could not maintain complete dispassion. So all this has already happened. As Father John Krestyankin once said: they have nothing new, everything is stolen, only remade in their own way.
— What should a person do in a situation when, during confession, a priest advises him on something that is impossible for him to do? For example, there are well-known examples when a priest does not bless a marriage and says: “It is not God’s will for you to be together,” what should you do? Argue?
- Obedience is obedience. Love does not pass, falling in love does. Parents also forbid something, what should you do - obey or not obey? In general, you should still obey. Another thing is that sometimes the soul does not accept this decision. Then you need to pray and wait. I know an example where a young man and a girl fell in love with each other, but their parents were against it. And I told them: “You love each other, it’s impossible to forbid love? Please keep loving." They did just that. And then the mother couldn’t stand it - she allowed it. And they got married.
If love is true, if there is no desire for possession, if you feel that this is your soul mate, your loved one - this may be enough. My mother had a friend whose fiancé courted her for forty years. He loved her and she loved him, but she couldn't leave her mother and start a family with him. They met, took care of each other, and became so close that when they became spouses at the age of 60, they no longer needed anything other than spiritual and emotional closeness.
Actually, there is an example from Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin - Tatyana Larina says: “I love you (why lie?), but I was given to someone else, and I will be faithful to him forever.” You can love, but you don’t have to live together sooner, at least there’s no need to rush.
In our country now they say: we need to live together as soon as possible, check our feelings. Unfortunately, this is not how true love is tested. According to Justin Popovich, love for a person without the love of God is self-love, and love for God without love for a person is self-deception.
The most important thing is the will of God. If there really is a feeling, it will remain, it will live, and if due to difficulties it disappeared, then it may not have existed, or it was a passion, another feeling, not love. And love, as the Apostle Paul says, never disappears and cannot pass away, love remains love.
— How can you distribute the strictness of fulfilling what your confessor says? A simple example: the confessor tells all his children to strictly observe fasting, but do you have gastritis? What to do here, obey or act according to your feelings?
- Fasting is for man, not man for fasting; it is better to under-fast than to over-fast. And one more thing: fasting is not “impossible”, but “not allowed.” If it were not possible, then Saint Spyridon of Trimifuntsky would not have eaten meat during Great Lent - there is an example from his life when there was nothing to feed a guest from the road, and he ordered meat to be brought, and he himself ate with him, so as not to embarrass him.
But fasting cleanses, fasting is a great power. The Lord Himself fasted. If He, the One Who, unlike us, did not need to fast, fasted, how can we sinners not fast? But there are different levels of fasting severity. There are many healthy foods that are also lean: Brussels sprouts broth is healthier than chicken broth.
In fact, when a person has some kind of grief or has a real feeling, he doesn’t even think about food. A certain young man was courting one girl and saying that he loved her. And she was very wise and told him that since you are ready for anything, let’s fast and pray for two or three weeks. And then, when the deadline was up, she set a luxurious table, brought a young man and said: “Well, at the table or down the aisle?” He rushed to the table. That's it, I made my choice.
— That is, there is no such criterion in relations with a confessor: obedience or your own decision?
— There is only one criterion - love. If there is anger, irritation, what is the use of it? What is this for? Only love can be above the law.
- And if there is no confessor or he is far away, how to live, what to be guided in your actions?
— If there is no confessor, or it is difficult to contact him, then you need to pray. You just need to remember that the Lord is near, and you should always turn to Him.
Once, when I was young, I had a difficult situation at work, I was confused, not knowing what to do, and I began to read akathists to St. Nicholas and St. Seraphim in turn, and suddenly everything worked out. This was the first example in my life when I experienced for myself that if you don’t know what to do in the current circumstances, you need to immediately intensify your prayer, ask for God’s help.
These are exactly the same questions: “what to do?” and “who is to blame?” It's his own fault, first of all. You have to start with yourself, because you can’t escape from yourself. But what to do? We need to pray for the Lord to indicate: “Tell me, Lord, the way, I’ll go the wrong way.”
Archimandrite Innokenty Prosvirnin once told me this formula for approaching life: when Heaven is silent, there is no need to do anything.
I later read that a similar rule was used by the holy martyr Seraphim Zvezdinsky. When he was asked in troubled times what to do if you don’t know what to do and have no one to consult with, he recommended praying for three days and asking for God’s will, and the Lord will show you what to do. If he doesn’t indicate, then you still have to pray and be patient. This is what they do on Athos.
I myself often advise doing this, and this rule bears good fruit.
If you load a person with heroic deeds right away, he won’t be able to handle it.
—Is spiritual guidance different between new Christians and, so to speak, mature Christians?
- Certainly. The difference is in the degree of severity. When I was just starting my ministry, there was such a confessor, Archimandrite Tikhon Agrikov, so he told me that you first need to attract a person, and when he gets used to it, you can be stricter. Because if you immediately load a person with various feats, he will not be able to stand it. At one time I was involved in sports, and here, as in spiritual life, first there are small loads, then more, otherwise the person will overstrain himself. And we must remember that to bear obedience is a cross. This is very difficult in monasteries, and even more so in the world.
Archpriest Sergius Orlov taught me as a young priest, and usually did not say categorically: this is how it is and no other way. If I asked something, he said: “Yes, anything can happen.” And I thought: wow, a person with such and such spiritual experience, education, and didn’t seem to say anything in particular... But it’s not that simple.
The rector of the Jerusalem metochion, Archpriest Vasily Serebrennikov, who came to Father Sergius to confess, once told me: “What I like most about spiritual matters is when you don’t understand anything.” There is no need to be shy if you do not understand something in spiritual matters. Where it is not clear, everything is simple: everything is unclear. But when everything seems clear, sometimes many difficulties can arise later. For example, the question about frequent communion, it would seem - is it good to take communion often? Very good. And my father said to me: “How can I say this? Who will react to this? And if there is such an attitude: Manka went - and I will go, what will everything turn into then?
— Can a confessor give a person the freedom to decide for himself what to do?
“A very experienced confessor, Holy Archpriest Alexy Mechev, when he was asked about something, first of all said: “What do you think?” Because real spiritual education must necessarily provide food for the mind so that a person learns to reason. It's not easy to lead a person by the hand.
Complete obedience is, of course, good, but it is only possible in a monastery, and in the world it is more difficult.
I have 59 years of driving experience. And when I got behind the wheel for the first time, I felt very uncomfortable. They told me, and I gradually got used to it, got used to it. In the same way, in spiritual life you need to acquire spiritual skills.
I am an air force navigator in the military department, and we had Colonel Plesky, I still remember him, he said: “I will make you know aircraft navigation in verse, there is no time to reason in the air, you need to act there.” It’s the same in life—spiritual skills need to be acquired so that they become second nature. Knowledge is something that has been passed through one’s experience and has become a skill.
— When a person first comes to church, they explain to him how to confess, take communion, and what rule to read. How can we continue to grow spiritually? What if a person has been in the Church for 10-20 years and nothing has changed, what is the problem?
- Not in what, but in whom. The problem is in the person himself. Father John Krestyankin said that nothing can be done for a person. You can help, but if he doesn’t do it himself, nothing will work. God does not forcibly save without the desire and participation of the person himself. There are such eternal students - they go and go, and never finish their studies. Who is to blame - the one who teaches or the one who studies?
— Who studies, that is, a person himself must begin to move from some external things to inner life?
— External things are given in order to pave the way to the inner world. The skill of at least saying “sorry” is not given just like that. Gradually, everything begins to change inside a person. There is an expression: “If they call you a pig, you will grunt. And if you’re an angel, maybe you’ll become an angel and start singing.”
— Often for those who have been in the Church for a long time, prayer turns into a formality, fasting is performed without zeal, why?
- God will give prayer to the one who prays. If you still try to delve into the words of the prayer, it cannot be completely formal. Yes, you get tired, but do it anyway. What does "formally" mean? I was reading a prayer, and at that time what was happening in your soul?
Still, it is better to pray at least somehow than to do nothing at all.
- Is it possible to learn prayer?
- You can learn - you need to pray.
- Practice?
- Yes. Also, prayer is often taught by some kind of sorrow or embarrassment. When my father was studying at the seminary, one of the old professors asked him the following question: “What does the Lord do with a person when he wants to attract him to Himself?” - my father answered something. “Okay, what’s the main thing?” the father is silent. - “Sends him spiritual distress.”
— It’s probably difficult not to become despondent here if you’re always in grief?
- Everything passes. I tell everyone, at least listen to Pushkin if you don’t want to listen to the Holy Scriptures. Do you know what he said?
If life deceives you,
Don't be sad, don't be angry!
On the day of despondency, humble yourself:
The day of fun, believe me, will come.
(Here I would like to add: “And while you humble yourself, pray!”).
The heart lives in the future;
Really sad:
Everything is instant, everything will pass;
Whatever happens will be nice.
After all, it was from God, according to Elder Seraphim Vyritsky.
And we must not forget to thank God even in the most difficult days of life - he is waiting for us and will send even greater blessings. A person with a grateful heart never lacks for anything.
Archpriest Valerian Krechetov born in 1937 in the family of repressed accountant and later priest Mikhail Krechetov. He graduated from school in 1959 and at the same time was enrolled in the Moscow Forestry Engineering Institute, three years after graduation he entered the Moscow Seminary.
He was ordained on January 12, 1969, and in 1973 he graduated from the Moscow Theological Academy. Over the many years of his ministry, he communicated with many outstanding pastors, including Father Nikolai Golubtsov, Father Ioann Krestyankin, Father Nikolai Guryanov. Today, Archpriest Valerian is the rector of the church in honor of the Intercession of the Most Holy Theotokos in the village of Akulovo, Odintsovo district.
Women very often strive to establish such a spiritual relationship with a priest that will imitate some kind of common life. This is not necessarily love, but it is some kind of spiritual comfort. They begin to demand that the priest pay attention to them, talk to them, communicate with them:
- Why didn’t you ask me something, why did you pass by me, why did you talk to that one for a long time, but only briefly to me? Why are you so harsh with me, you don’t care about me?
These kinds of experiences and feelings always mean that a woman’s relationship with a priest is emotional, not spiritual. She is not looking for a confessor in him, but for compensation for her unsettled spiritual life. There may not yet be love, but there is always some kind of partiality.
Affection, generally speaking, is not bad, it is quite natural to love your spiritual father, this is normal. It even has to be, and such love can be very strong, even the strongest in a person’s life - love for a spiritual father. But the nature of this love is important. It needs to be the love of a daughter for her father. It must be spiritual love, for Christ’s sake. Love that sees in the priest a teacher of spiritual life sent by God. When you want to humble yourself, learn, obey, when you are ready to endure even harsh teaching, a strict reprimand, when you have faith that your confessor loves you, prays for you, thinks about you, and at the same time does not owe you anything at all, is not obliged to lead with you "pleasant" conversations or something like that. Such love will be both good and fruitful. And spiritual relationships, especially where resentment against the priest begins, are spiritually fruitless and harmful, they mean delusion.
Prelest is a Slavic word, “flattery” is translated into Russian as the word “lie”. Prelest means self-deception. A person thinks that he is on the right path, but in fact he is on the wrong path.
prot. Vladimir Vorobyov
How spiritually beneficial can non-liturgical communication between the laity and a confessor be?
If we talk about another level, then non-liturgical communication in most cases is not at all necessary, although it can take place. There is no single standard for what is good and what is bad. To properly organize his spiritual world, it is enough for a person to communicate with a priest as a counselor. It is absolutely not necessary to have a cleric as a family friend, a periodic visitor to your home, a companion on your pilgrimage journeys, etc. Due to the fact that parish life involves situations of communication outside of worship (school communication, cultural events, etc.), then, of course, such communication takes place. There is nothing bad about it, unless it involves unnecessary attachment to the priest as a person. If the desire to communicate with a priest becomes more important than the desire to go to church for a service or do church work, here you need to tell yourself “stop” and, if not completely distance yourself, then at least refuse all these unhelpful situations of communication.
prot. Maxim Kozlov
***
Sometimes girls and women, who for some reason have not found a life partner or are not satisfied with their existing marriage, tend to experience tender feelings for pastors who, as is known, are either married or have taken a vow of celibacy. Most often, this kind of love is seemingly completely “spiritual”, that is, there is no physical attraction at a conscious level. However, all the thoughts and feelings of a girl or woman are occupied by the priest, to whom she feels strong affection...
This is a phenomenon that causes, on the one hand, a smile or irony, and on the other, deep sadness. Yes, there is no smoke without fire. And, of course, the priest must be well aware that not all the people around him live a genuine spiritual life, truly strive for “the only thing needed” - the salvation of their soul, the cleansing of it from passions. After all, many people today go to church also because it’s warm there and you can warm up your body and soul. Many expect to meet human sympathy, attention, and sometimes material support in the temple. For some, the personality of the shepherd becomes the main subject of attention: this happens to those who do not find the strength in themselves - or better yet, do not want to direct their strength to the field of repentance. To one degree or another, the danger of this substitution was probably felt by everyone to whom God gave a confessor. It is not immediately that we develop the correct attitude towards a priest, a weak person like us - assigned, however, to serve the verbal sheep of the flock of Christ. The main thing is that the shepherd himself does not find himself in the snares of delusion and, willy-nilly, does not replace the One by whose power and blessing he acts.
I know that if a Christian in confession sincerely shares with the priest his inner confusions, reveals his thoughts (let’s not forget about the existence of an evil force that tries to desecrate everything, mix inappropriate things with a good disposition and thus trample the feet of the ascetic), the heart wound will certainly be healed by God’s grace . It is important with what disposition we meet temptation. He must come, but it depends on us whether we will fall into his power or whether we will wisely remove this danger from ourselves.
Of course, it is given to a priest to feel when such substitutions - what is called in ascetic language addiction, human attachment - begin to prevail in someone’s soul over reverence for the priesthood. Obviously, the shepherd must put up some kind of “barrier” in time. In any case, keep your distance, do not indulge whims and lusts, but, if necessary, be strict, decisive and concise in communicating with “interested parties.” It does not take much time to benefit from the graces of the priesthood. The complete opposite of the norm occurs when the priest begins to “sort things out” with a parishioner at the latter’s request. She is not satisfied either with the service, or with the sermon, or with confession. She needs something more: emotional attention... She looks offended, and sometimes she really worries - her heart is not a stone. May God grant the shepherd to find the golden mean, the line between truth and love, so as not to aggravate the matter, but to sober the soul, pointing out the need to suppress the inappropriate disposition that encroaches on our unity in Christ.
How can a woman recognize in herself an undue predilection for her confessor and separate it from those feelings that are pleasing to God? Are there any reliable criteria here? By what signs do we know that the two warring parties, who have been waiting for something for a long time, have finally entered into battle, the first volleys of weapons are heard, smoke from gunpowder appears in the air in the ground, craters are formed from exploding shells... So it is in spiritual life. A sign of an incipient illness is often the face of the confessor constantly standing before the mental eye. If you do not recognize the enemy’s temptation behind a mental picture in time, then significant damage can be caused to the work of prayer. Others feel the urge to pray for their confessor with constancy, several times during the day, and are convinced that it is their prayers that help the priest in the fight against visible and invisible enemies... Such a focus on “helping” the confessor undoubtedly has a downside. This also happens. A parishioner confesses to the priest that she feels and knows to the minute when he offers prayers for her: “Father, how grateful I am to you! Yesterday at half past two I received wonderful help from you. All the fighting subsided as soon as you stood up to pray for my sinful soul.” From experience we know that the price for such an addiction will be disappointment, moreover, rejection from the personality of a sincere, kindly-minded shepherd, whose fault was, perhaps, in the fact that he did not immediately stop all the phenomena we have described.
What if a woman understands that what is happening to her has nothing to do with true love, and wants to get rid of the feeling that has enslaved her? After all, she often faces the need to confess her experiences to the very priest who caused them. Many believe - and probably quite rightly - that declarations of love during the sacrament of confession sound rather inappropriate. On the other hand, confession from some other priest can further disrupt the flow of spiritual life... I think that the solution to this issue depends on the specific circumstances and personality traits of the priest. If this is an experienced shepherd, familiar with the spiritual warfare and temptations encountered in the inner life of parishioners, then he will easily remove this embarrassment with his wise words. One day a nun confessed to the Monk Ambrose of Optina that she had an inappropriate disposition towards him. The elder, smiling good-naturedly, said in response to her confession: “Don’t be afraid, you won’t develop an addiction to me.” The holy ascetic, by the power of the Spirit of God, drove away all thoughts from the soul of her ward. So, if the priest already has some experience (and his age serves as a guarantee), then, of course, talking about the embarrassment that arises about him is the right thing to do. If you are confessing to a relatively young pastor, for whom it is not so easy to find the right word in this case, perhaps it makes sense to turn to a more sophisticated priest and decide together with him how to behave further: whether to step away for a while, confess to something else temple, to another person, either endure this abuse, not agreeing with her suggestions, or still tell about this to the priest to whom the temptation relates.
prot. Artemy Vladimirov